flame of hope

the past couple of days haven't exactly been a joy ride to the seaside. indeed. all i have this one hope.. for adik to regain and bounce back.

i am deeply taken by adik's current condition. it's pushing me over the edge. he's weak. he loss his faith in himself and what's more in life. and i find myself sobbing cat and dogs. i felt sorry for him. walking around with a heavy cloud above my head is so not my cup of tea.

After being saddled with so many issues surrounding adik's condition, slowly but surely I felt like I was going to crack. Crack from the pressure, the sheer exhaustion, juggling family and work priorities, all of this while still having to put up a smile at the end of the day and reassure everyone that everything will be alright. I wish i could tell the world he'll soon be running up again, hassling the futsal's court and tennis might as well. Very soon. But far from the ordeal for now. 

He is still battling himself. H was diagnosed with SLE, and warded for 4 days at Sunway Medical Center to undergo MRI and series of test relativity to rectify his illness for further treatment. Not to mention the frustration he's handling emotionally. 

I myself had my schedule all ruin. With the husband who's not around coping the given situation. Imagine myself pick up Adam at 5 everyday after work and meet dayah (Hasif's gf) before wheeling straight to Sunway where the rest of the family members were already taking turns looking after him and only left for home at 12-ish midnight. Exhausted physically and emotionally drained out. 

See him? Shrinking. Thank you Allah to all who paid him a visit. It has enlighten him in some ways.

Further exacerbate his condition, He has this "bende" from his inner self. An evil voice from inside. The doctor has been considerate enough and entitled him for a month MC in order for him to recuperate. Being home, with hope to makes him feel better, neither helped much. Last night, we were all dining together, where he abruptly stood up and went to the main door grasping his car key. i asked, "adik nak pegi mana?" he then replied huskily, "adik nak pegi sembahyang. dah lewat ni"..it was 10pm by the way..so, i then quest him back, "adik nak pegi sembahayang kat mana?"..he looked outside and said "adik nak pegi sembahyang bawah pokok tu"..at that time, i realize that was not him. the evil voice is playing part. 

Abah has brought him twice to Darrulsyifa'. They gave him "air penawar" to get rids of the demons. We were asked to recite Yassin everyday. Till date, he has not shown further improvement. Or just yet maybe. I know, healing takes time. He sometimes mourned himself, and cry like a baby repenting for his wrongdoings. Dwelling over his sins. It breaks my heart seeing him in pain. Seeing him growling in disoriented was never in picture. He was the type who speaks out for wants and very determined with what he choose. 

I hope one fine day, i'll be seeing him coming home all sweating from Tennis and insist me for a cup of coffee. Yes, he said i made kaw coffee one. I miss him. I miss outing with him. I miss arguing him on politics and goofing out and about the town. I need to see him back in his best composure. Adam needs his Uncle Chip. He needs company for football. The house need some cheering up for the coming Ramadhan.

Dear Allah, if it's not much for me to seek, please granted this one flame hope of mine. Amin.